So, I'm sitting here listening to Creed... specifically "My Own Prison"... a song that speaks to our human nature all to well. Here are the lyrics for all not familiar w/the song.
"My Own Prison"
A court is in session, a verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today
Just my own sin
The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel
Silence now the sound
My breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around
My face showing no emotion
Shackled by my sentence
Expecting no return
Here there is no penance
My skin begins to burn
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
I hear a thunder in the distance
See a vision of a cross
I feel the pain that was given
On that sad day of loss
A lion roars in the darkness
Only he holds the key
A light to free me from my burden
And grant me life eternally
Should have been dead
On a Sunday morning
Banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
[Guitar break]
I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison
I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
Should've been dead on a Sunday morning
banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time
Anyway, right now things are just dreary. One would think that w/ all the warmth and sunshine I would be happy and energetic... unfortunately I find the exact opposite. We all know that I'm not exactly the most social person, but very seldom right now to I desire to be around anyone.
I feel very lost... that feeling of being in a huge ocean, just treading water and able to see nothing around (go figure... the guy who is deathly scared of water is making these analogies). I have general stated purposes, and large outstanding edicts that direct me (Be pleasing to God, Do a good job at work, etc.) but I am lacking something. More than just a drive... I am lacking a goal.
It seriously feels like an assembly line... plodding along, going to work, running to class, coming home, doing homework, taking care of household needs, going to sleep (and not getting enough of it), and then waking up and doing it all again. At times the weekend provides a momentary distraction as the monotony breaks, but quickly everything falls into place.
I don't know... it just seems that there is something more that I'm missing. I seriously think I was meant to do something more... be something more, do something different, and it feels like that undefined "thing" is rapidly slipping through my fingers.
Worry not about me... as I said, I'm just talking to get things released from my brain, lest they continue to smash around in there w/ no outlet and pulverize what few brain cells I have. Your prayers are coveted... feel free to leave responses as the Spirit prompts. Simply realize that, in the words of Yeats,
"...But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams"
A side note as I leave. Expect that the general way (read "freqency") in which I post on this blog will be the norm for the near future. Between the aforementioned work, school, homework, church, meetings, other time commitments, reading and general needs of life I simply am not able to post in a regular manner. I understand others are able to do so, and enjoy that as I can occasionally read their works... I simply cannot. Thanks for understanding.
Until next time...
