So, I'm sitting here listening to Creed... specifically "My Own Prison"... a song that speaks to our human nature all to well. Here are the lyrics for all not familiar w/the song.
"My Own Prison"
A court is in session, a verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today
Just my own sin
The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel
Silence now the sound
My breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around
My face showing no emotion
Shackled by my sentence
Expecting no return
Here there is no penance
My skin begins to burn
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
I hear a thunder in the distance
See a vision of a cross
I feel the pain that was given
On that sad day of loss
A lion roars in the darkness
Only he holds the key
A light to free me from my burden
And grant me life eternally
Should have been dead
On a Sunday morning
Banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
[Guitar break]
I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison
I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
Should've been dead on a Sunday morning
banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time
Anyway, right now things are just dreary. One would think that w/ all the warmth and sunshine I would be happy and energetic... unfortunately I find the exact opposite. We all know that I'm not exactly the most social person, but very seldom right now to I desire to be around anyone.
I feel very lost... that feeling of being in a huge ocean, just treading water and able to see nothing around (go figure... the guy who is deathly scared of water is making these analogies). I have general stated purposes, and large outstanding edicts that direct me (Be pleasing to God, Do a good job at work, etc.) but I am lacking something. More than just a drive... I am lacking a goal.
It seriously feels like an assembly line... plodding along, going to work, running to class, coming home, doing homework, taking care of household needs, going to sleep (and not getting enough of it), and then waking up and doing it all again. At times the weekend provides a momentary distraction as the monotony breaks, but quickly everything falls into place.
I don't know... it just seems that there is something more that I'm missing. I seriously think I was meant to do something more... be something more, do something different, and it feels like that undefined "thing" is rapidly slipping through my fingers.
Worry not about me... as I said, I'm just talking to get things released from my brain, lest they continue to smash around in there w/ no outlet and pulverize what few brain cells I have. Your prayers are coveted... feel free to leave responses as the Spirit prompts. Simply realize that, in the words of Yeats,
"...But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams"
A side note as I leave. Expect that the general way (read "freqency") in which I post on this blog will be the norm for the near future. Between the aforementioned work, school, homework, church, meetings, other time commitments, reading and general needs of life I simply am not able to post in a regular manner. I understand others are able to do so, and enjoy that as I can occasionally read their works... I simply cannot. Thanks for understanding.
Until next time...
5 comments:
Dude, I'll be in town sometime this week. I'll give you a ring. I thought you were being down and out on Friday. That's why I was trying to be a horse's bottom trying to get you out of the Jungle for just a wee bit of time.
Don't beat on yourself too much. Why don't you give Danny-boy a call tonight and drop by his place. He really could use some cheering up.
I know that when I'm down and out like that I seek aloneness like crazy. That's satan trying to draw you away from the fold bro. I think Greg is off of work this week, have him crash over at your place all week long..it'd be like college days. Its our job as friends to nudge each other back into fellowship and friendship.
Redevote yourself to the Lord.
Chad
Glad to see you posted again! Sorry that your feeling that way! I'm sure you have shared all of that with God and know that He is with you at ALL times. I too sometimes feel like I'm going through the same motions day in and day out, but when I focus on trying to please God (which I fail to do more often that not) I feel more satisfied and purpose-filled. We've all felt the way you are now, just rememember you have your brothers and sisters in Christ who love you and are here for you!!! I'll be praying for you!
You are in my prayers!
Feel free to call anytime of the day or night to just hang and clean guns or talk.
I realize I am not an inanimate object for which I am eternally grateful ;)
And that I do talk back, and I understand the whole wanting to be alone thing.
But please make sure that you are alone with God, that is the best place in the whole world that I have found to hide.(better than blackie, and Pooh)LOL
Chris,
I have a question for you:
How many people resently have you reached out to knowing you would get nothing in return, or might even lose something in the process?
When I am feeling melancoly most of the time I realize it is because I am focusing on me and not what I can give to others. And I can only leave Mr. Melancoly behind when I start focusing on God and others :)
I don’t know if you even look at my blog or not but this is a poem that has helped me on many occations
In the alone place
fear closes in as I sense my aloness
the part of me without You
that is lost
wandering in its own apprehensions
causing my spirit
to imitate a mime
pressing against invisible walls
that soundlessly threaten
suffocation by unconscious
yet deliberate isolation
And I long for the resuscitation
that Your breath brings
giving all my members
strength to my soul
causing me to unfold
like a wet new butterfly
fighting to unwrap itself
from the bondage of its
self-imposed cocoon
to spread new and unfamiliar members
for the very first time
testing their strength
readying these fragile members
for the act of ascending
not caring for the fact
that it is the struggle
which produces strength
to take wing and fly
while resisting the urge
to cast off my independence
and call upon Your help
I weary myself
and wonder at my ability
to continue on
to rise above
where I presently lie...
This place is not kind
to my spirit's expectations
and I am lost in the prison of my self
while You patiently hold the key and wait...
wait for me to invite You into this alone place...
But I have learned of
another space called time
that calls sweetly to me
that woos me gently to its bosom
causing me to rest in the discovery
that it is in the alone times
that I find You
refreshing me like newly falling dew
washing me in my own tears
imparting Your comfort
like liquid oil soothing my heart
melting my defenses
and all my reasons
why I deny You
until I find myself back in this place
where fellowship is sweet communion
where intimacy is second nature
where I am reminded of You faithfulness
and Your love for me...
yet there is a time called alone that I fear
but cannot seem to flee
for an invisible arm grips me suddenly
unexpectedly
while supports I counted true vanish
daring me to keep
my standards
in the face of a million opposing voices
I stand in the cold
shivering from my own indecision
torn by reality
of how little I trust You
as my stomach knots in hunger
for one word of reassurance
from You who holds the key to my wholeness
that I am really not alone...
Still there is a place called alone that I seek
tucked beneath the arm of God
warm and sweet
a place where I can lay my weariness
and unanswerable questions
finding revelation in the rest
that His heartbeat gives
as I burrow
deeper into the fold of His breast
lost in the depths of His mysteries
and riches untold
found in His love
that always finds me
when I feel most alone
It is here that I find that the alone place
is no more than my own personal winter
where all that is in me dies
A season of the soul
pressed between the tendency
of my flesh
and my heart to measure time
give it walls that hem in my spirit
and torment my faith
And so I wait for spring and the warmth of the Son
to release me
from the coldness of fear
I throw my arms open surrendering to the light
until I find myself
basking in Your love
reveling
in the alone times...
by, Michelle McKinney Hammond
GusGus,
I know the feeling and know there's nothing to say that will stop the feeling. Talking about it helps, stupid computer or not. :) Praying for you.
Post a Comment